60 and still learning about hidden memories

February 21, 2019

In the past year I have grown by leaps and bounds. I have discovered many things that have been hidden from me in my own mind from past events long ago.

First of all, I want to talk about sleeping/depression. So as a very young child I have had to have surgery on my eyes. I’m pretty sure my mom told me that the first surgery I had was when I was 18 months old. I have had 16 surgeries since I was born. Seven of them by the time I was in the 5th grade. That is also the time I started wearing contact lens. I really disliked them. By this time I was already sick of the eye issue and I wished it would just go away. Haha on me. As a small child both of my eyes were bandaged at one time. So, when you can’t see anything, and you have just gone through surgery what do individuals usually do? They sleep. So, this was really an epiphany for me because this I believe to be the origin of my depression. Wow was I stunned when I discover this about myself.

The second thing I have recently discovered is that when I was raising my son’s, my oldest came to me and told me of a sexual incident that happened to him. (I have to say incident because I really don’t know what happened. All I can go by is what my son told me. And during that time in society, people just didn’t believe you about such things) I did not remember this until Dr. Ford, was testifying to an unwanted sexual assault to a judiciary committee, by the person who the POTUS at the time wanted on the SCOTUS, B.K. I will not use his name because I believe Dr. Ford. During this debate my nephew posted on FB that he felt so sorry for B.K. And look at how he is crying. Wow, this turned into a war of words me protecting the rights of rape/sexual assault victims, and women who have had abortions. And he and his friends calling women liars and baby killers. I fucking blew up. My God my nephew was talking like a male pig. I was so shocked. I was called a lesbian. Oh, wow those stupid men thought that I cared what they were calling me. Surprise!!! I have been called most horrid names in the book of names.

It was at this time that I remembered what my nephew had done to my son. I private messaged him and told him that I had seen his mom get raped and had to call the police. Him and his friends just kept on slandering women left and right.
Then I explained to him that I remember what he did to my son when they were 10. He said I was crazy and Unfriended/blocked me. Then my sister did the same.
This is really irrelevant to me. I have the right to break my silence for all these years. It does haunt me about my sister’s rape, because I begged her not to go out of our room to talk to that person. But she would not listen, she left the room, next thing I hear are plants being pulled over, lots of things crashing to the floor. This person that raped my sister was my oldest brothers’ best friend. My brother was downstairs and he NEVER came upstairs to see what was going on. From that day forward I hated my brother for letting his friend do that to his sister, and then I had to call the police and nothing was done. He was sent on his way. I also believe that that experience made sex difficult for me to process correctly.

And then I also broke down and cried because of how I had brushed my son off when he told me of the sexual incident of his cousin rubbing on him and ejaculating on my son. That is what my son told me happened. I don’t know if it had happened before, or who did that to my nephew but I was ashamed of my behavior and ashamed because I did not speak up for my nephew at the time. I feel someone was doing that to him.

Now we are all adults. I wrote an amends letter to my son. I do not know if he read it because we are estranged. About a year ago he put his hands on me, around my throat and pinned my arms. His daughter was here and hid when it all started to go down. I am glad. So, I did not really fight back or call the cops because I was worried about my granddaughter that was 4. He is not allowed in my house any longer. I really believe that the sexual incident that happened to him changed him. This is when he started to steal, lie, skip school. So yes, as I watch programs about children that were molested when they were young it really screws them up. I believe that this in part sent my son into a bad state of being.

Whether my nephew or his mom believe what I wrote is of no concern. It was a sickening scab that I had to pull off to move forward.

I hope anyone who reads this can find help in my story and are able to tell the stories that are keeping them sick. I try to wipe my slate often.

Say I’m sorry when I have hurt someone.
Make amends for the hurt that I have caused when possible
Try to be a better person today then I was yesterday.
And try to remember that my family’s guilt is not mine to carry. I was not the cause of the dysfunction that was rampant in my growing up I was just a kid trying to survive.

 

Testing Testing, Light and Love of the Universe can you hear me?

My families December started off with a simple ultrasound of my husband’s spleen.

After the death of Grandma White, Ron and I wanted nothing to do with the people of his family that had abused his Grandmother White. We still never want to hear from them again. I cannot stress how horrible it was to sit there that day and watch the treatment of Grandma. I was an outsider for sure. I also made a promise to Grandma White that I would be there. So I was willing to put up with some nonsense, but it went far beyond that.

The day after the ultrasound the hematologist called to say that Ron needed to go in a get a CAT scan that the radiology found something on his liver and pancreas.

So the CAT scan was next. From there we were sent to a surgeon. The surgeon’s office went into high gear. They made an immediate appointment for a biopsy scope of Ron’s pancreas. An appointment for a port, and an appointment for chemo. They were telling us Ron had cancer!! WTF???

Although his platelets were low, his blood did not have any cancer markers.

We cried and talked about things that night, I was devastated that my husband was only 61 and was going to leave me. I worried about his mean family trying to cause trouble. That was my main thought, is they were not going to upset him anymore. I also had to hide that his insurance was only going to pay 20% on the chemo. Holy Fucking Shite. That means that for every $1000 I would owe $800!! I worried about my dogs being alone so much. I worried about getting to and from the hospital. I have been down that road with Ron when we were first married. I was young and pregnant, but I could ride the bus right to the hospital. I also had lots of people that helped me to get up and back from the hospital.

I was not worried about being alone, just worried about being devastated because we have been together going on 42 years in June. It was at this time my faith in the Love and Light of the Universe had been challenged.

I have been a Reiki Master Practitioner for 11 going on 12 years now. So I could not believe that Ron had cancer. I did not feel this when I would give him Reiki. Which is several times a week.   

Next we went to LDS hospital for the scope. The staff there was amazing. The doctor that did the scope is a specialist and that is all he does. Ron was not back there in surgery any longer than 30 minutes. And Dr. Sandu came out and told us (Karen and I, Karen was the driver) that it is NOT cancer. Ron’s pancreas has thousands of tiny cysts that look like fish bubbles. We were given pictures of the different areas that have cysts. When the doctor walked out and told us that it was cysts. Karen says “I told you that is what it was.” I on the other hand raised my hands and said “Thank YOU Love and Light of the Universe!!” I knew at that time what I had been asking and working with Reiki for DID matter. My gratitude and humility were so abundant that day, and since.

I was really questioning if I wanted to continue to give/send Reiki. How could it be that all this time of giving Ron Reiki that he could have cancer? Well I believe that this was a message from the Light and Love of the Universe to say to me “YOU are on the right path!” Thank YOU Light and Love: Goddess and God for all the hard and easy lessons of this life. My hope is that Ron and I make it to our 50^th wedding Anniversary.

So the end result is Ron has to go back in 6 months for another CAT scan to see how fast the cysts are growing. Yes he may have to have surgery. But it is not cancer, so the surgery will not be a dangerous as if it was.

I am grateful that this is the outcome. I was not looking forward to all the hassles that I would have been facing.

Namaste’

6 Years later.

Today is Randy Teeter’s birthday. He would have been 65. He crossed over in 2001 the same year my granddaughter (who now want to be referred to as him;) was born. Randy was one month away from collection SSA. He died of septic poisoning in Las Vegas NV.

It has almost been 6 years since my mom passed from pancreatic cancer. Penniless and lying in her rented hospital bed asking “Why is this happening to me?””I am just lying here waiting to die.” I had to leave the room to cry,  she really had no idea what was going on at this point in time. This day was 3 days before she died. One of the most horrible memories that I have of that time when my mother was dying in her own home (anyway she thought of it that way. The bank owned the house by then.). This was the house my mom had worked hard to keep for 50 years. Paid it off then she went and got a reverse mortgage on it. My sister Jill and her kids ran her into the ground with debt.

And in the last summer of her life the central air broke in her house, because Jerry (or Jer) was too lazy to clean the filter on the furnace. The LDS church did not help her with one dime. This really pisses me off because she spent many years and hours working for that cult/church. Ungrateful bastards.

Since this time I have had to witness another person that I cared about die with many people around her abusing and torturing her. Just like my sister and her kids did to my mom at the end.

My mom told me once that the water they gave her (Jill and Jer) tasted like toilet water. That was because Jill never washed her hands after she smoked or went to the bathroom and then would fix my mom ice water. I caught her one day, and then she threatened to beat me up.

On August 29^, 2017 I went to Brigham City to see Grandma White (Alice Alevra Olson White). She was on her last days on this Earth and just a few days before that she had asked me, when Ron and I were visiting to come and be with her when she was passing. I said that I would. She also asked if we would talk and I said we would. At the end of that day August 29^th I had to break my word to Alvera (Grandma White) twice that day. Many things transpired that day that I sincerely wished I would have spoken up, or did more about. I am Sorry Grandma White.

I feel I let her down. I also went to make sure that they (Beverly, Kathy, Randy, and Nicki and others) were giving Grandma her pain medication. I was told they were not. And I was having none of it. Oh Fuck yes they were going to give her the medications that the hospice doctor prescribed for her in her last days. She was dying of lung failure. Everyone is anxious when they are dying and to deny these 2 things to people is cruel and abusive in my view.

I argued with at least 7 different people that day about this. Kathy Craynor tried to tell me she knew what was best for Grandma. She has no medical background whatsoever. I have already been through death once with my mom so I knew what was going on. Later that day Kathy and Nicole Daley forced Grandma White to eat some soup. I could hear Grandma White saying “I don’t want it.” I am ashamed that I did not go in and say “Stop That!” I am sorry Grandma White. Many people where making her sing on the phone facetime. What The Fuck??

Honestly some of them are morons. Let’s see she is dying of lung failure at 95 and you fucking people want her to perform for you??? It was so cruel. Again I am Sorry Grandma White I did not tell them to stop. Grandma White did not get one lick of sleep that whole day I was there. That whole day there were so many people there. In and out. Talking  loudly, no rest for Grandma White. Grandma White told the nurse that she wanted me to come in and help change her. Grandma had a rash from not being cleaned properly. The others out in the other room didn’t like this at all.

When Grandma and I were alone I said to her “I am here to take care of you.” Grandma gave me a chick of her cheek and a smile to say “I am glad, that is a OK.” No one saw this and that is a special moment I had with Grandma.

Kathy Craynor had her two little grandkids running in and out all day. OMG. When people are sick and dying little kids get on their nerves. They just do. Even if that person loves those little kids, their noise level is agitating at times when you are sick.

Randy D. White also fought me about that medication. He is supposed to be a PHD? Really he doesn’t even get the concept of pain at the time of death? The first thing I said to him when I saw him was “If you yell at your mom, I am calling the police on you for elder abuse!” this was while he was sitting there drooling over the medication saying that his mom wasn’t getting that. He also left the medication (morphine and Haldol) sitting on a chair where the little girls could get it. Then he Fucking stands up and says to Ron “Ron you better get your wife out of my way!” Ron and I stood there unified, not moving. Then Allison pipes up in the background “He wouldn’t do that.” Oh yea that’s not what I heard. I heard he was yelling at his mom 2 days previous. Wow these fucking people are fucking unreal. I also told a CNA that if he left that apartment with that medication that I would call the cops. No if ands’s or butts about it.

What I didn’t know at that time was that Kathy and Nicki were calling Nicki’s daughter Julieann Daley to come and intervene with the medication that was to be given to Grandma. Yea she is a nurse not an MD. She does not order that call the hospice doctor does. So as I was trying to point out the medication instructions to “Nurse Julie” she asked me to “sit down” I did. Kathy was in the hallway trying to get me to come out. You know like the jail people want you to step into their cell to beat you up. Then Nicki says to me face to face “Bring it on! Bring it ON!” “You don’t count you are not blood.” I just told her “What do you know little girl.”  No matter what the problem is THREATENING someone when your loved one is lying in the other room dying is just sick and wrong. Nicki cunt, your karma is on it’s way.

Yes they waited until Ron took the garbage out to do this. Beause they are bullies of the worst kind. When Ron got back to the apartment, Kathy stood in front of Ron who is a Medical Assistant and told him he didn’t know what he was talking about. It was at this time Ron said to me “You are not going to stay here. You went through this with your mom and you don’t have to do this.”

We gathered my things and left. I was heartbroken the things that were said, like “She is trying to kill Grandma with medication.” “No” you fucking Morons I am trying to let her die in peace.

After I left the name calling ensued. They were saying horrible things about Reiki and that I was trying to charge Grandma

They have told many lies since like they had an autopsy on Grandma White. I know that is a lie. They do not do autopsies on 95 year old women who die in hospice of lung failure.

Grandma’s cough medicine was missing. Blah blah blah. Fucking lying bitches.

Soulless. If you can deny an old person pain medication at the end of their days you are soulless. If you steal from them you are soulless. If you cause them undue stress you are soulless. Those people that protested they loved Grandma White so much treated her with such disrespect in the end. It makes me cry.

I am working on forgiveness, it does not come easy when you see someone torturing and abusing someone who cannot defend themselves.

And that soulless group continues to spew shite, So be it.

 

 

Reiki:Cosmic Healing.

I am so excited to announce my first “Real” publication that I have writen.

Please take a moment to look over 12Step Magazine. Recovery: Co-Dependence: Mental Health: and many resources.

http://www.step12magazine.com/reiki-cosmic-healing-carrie-t-ewing/

 

 

 

 

Art By Colleen Teeter

This is Colleen (Grammy) with Chris, Alex, Adam Ewing and Nick Teeter.

This is Colleen’s Art. Yes my mom made all of these dolls with her own little hands. I wish I would have received one. Somehow the Native American dolls she made disappeared from her house shortly before her death. My gut tells me someone stole them. I hope my mom gave them away because everybody wanted them in the family. Quite a few horrible things were said to some of us about these dolls from the sister that thought she should get everything. My mom hide stuff that she didn’t want Jill to find. She knew Jill would not go clean and do the work of sorting through her things, and that is why she hide things that didn’t belong to Jill because she knew Jill would take them even though she knew it is not hers.

I love these pictures. My mom was a very talented person.

And she LOVED her grandkids, great grandkids, great great grandkids. Love you mommy O:)

The Last Promises

The last day of my mom’s life she was unconscious. Her hands had pulled up around her neck. I knew when I saw she was starting to pull her hands up that she was not going to live very much longer. I have seen this in other people that were getting ready to Cross Over.

Those last 4 days when I stayed with her I did not sleep much. I was so afraid that she would get up and fall during the night as she had done while Jerry and Ashley were there. I checked on her often. One night her diaper leaked and had made her PJ’s all wet so I had to change her whole outfit in the middle of the night. She said to me “If you don’t hurry up I’m going to punch you out.” Yes it was funny at the time, but no time for laughing.

I promised my mom the night before she Crossed Over that I would make sure everyone got what they were supposed to get. And divide what little there was to have evenly. I said these words to her even though she was not conscious. I knew at that point she was going in and out of her body.  But I know she could still hear what I was saying. She was holding on because she was worried about the grandkids that had been living in her house, because the parents weren’t doing the basic things like having a job, and keeping a clean house. Teaching their kids to talk, potty train, things like that. I could not make any promises to her about Jeremy’s two kids. I too  was worried what was going to happen to them. Those kids needed to get acclimated to another place before my mom died. And the people responsible for those kids couldn’t process that. They are very selfish people.

During one of the last Reiki sessions I gave to my mom I told her that “It is OK to go.” “I will do the things that I promised.” So I have kept my promise. I was fair, and everybody got the same amount of money. I did the paperwork for all the claims for money and included everyone’s name and information. I have NO regrets. I did the right thing.

Synchronicity is the Light and Love of the Universe tapping you on the shoulder

When my mom was alive she had a 6th sense. She would get messages, and know things before they happened. She had a great gut instinct. My mom really missed her calling I think she should have been a detective. She could find my dad no matter where he was. She even found my dad down in St. George one time when him and his friends went down there to drink.

She knew at one point that if she didn’t get to see my grandma Roberts that weekend that she would never see her alive again. My grandma Roberts lived to be 93. So yes she dug up the money to travel to Idaho to see my grandmother. Similarly she was headed to the airport to see my brother when he died of sepsis in a Las Vegas, Nevada hospital. She never got to say good-bye. That tore her up. She was never the same after that. It was at this time Chris and Teresa had Madison (Toby). My mom raised Toby for the first four years of her/his life. Chris and Teresa were using drugs at the time, and of course my mom was more than happy to enable them to keep using because she took care of Toby. I am glad because Toby deserved a chance at life. Teresa hated me at that time and would not let me tend or be with Toby for any period of time. So once again I am Grateful to my mom.

Which brings me to the story of the day. SYNCHRONICITY IS THE LIGHT AND LOVE OF THE UNIVERSE TAPPING YOU ON THE SHOULDER.

1. So Aaron one of my moms grandchildren has been having strange occurrences in his home for some time.

2. Alex, my middle child, had a dream without knowing this about Aaron’s house about my mom, All my son’s were zombies, (smart zombies) and my mom said to him, “I am with Aaron.”

3. Adam, my youngest son. His girlfriend is a sensitive, and when she sleeps over at his place, Adam dreams of my mom and Alex. (Adam and Alex are estranged right now)

My mom is defiantly making herself known.

My mom was a sensitive, as am I, as are my son’s, as are my grandkids. People from the “Other Side” love to get our attention by messing with electronic’s moving things, pennies from Heaven. Birds, Feathers, Butterflies and so much more look for the Messages.

Let Your Light Shine.

My grief is about many layers

Grief: Keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.

Yes this pretty much sums it up. The grief over the loss of my mother brought all the other incidents of death and loss to the top of the pile. The grief for my mom was stifled for a time. I had to make sure that things got given to the right person. Paperwork had to be filed for life insurance. A headstone had to be chosen between a sister that told everyone in the family to “Go Fuck Yourself” to an alcoholic brother that was drinking himself to death over the lose of our mom. So the person that said “Go Fuck Yourselves.” got a copy of the paperwork in the mail. That worked. She paid her portion which I was really surprised she did. I had to hassle the place that took our money to get the headstone completed. 

There was 36 bags of clothes that had to be dealt with. No that was not all the clothes!!!!! Things had been stuffed in here and there. Found things that my mom hide from my sister Jill, because they didn’t belong to her. And my mom knew that Jill would not be involved in cleaning the house. The house was so gross from Jerry and Ashley living there with their kids. They never wiped up messes. Would put dishes that still had food on them in the dishwater to wash them. SLOBS that’s the best word or maybe USERS.

That reminds me of something that happened shortly before my mom died between Jill and I. Jill comes out of the bathroom with out washing her hands and then goes out to smoke, still doesn’t wash her hands. Then comes in and scoops a big handful of ice and fixes my mom a cup of ice water. I said to her “Good God you could at least wash your hands!” She fucking flies off the handle and tells me she is “going to beat the Fuck out of me!” I said calmly and in a low voice because I didn’t want my mom to hear who was dying in the next room “Well then I will call the police.” So in Jill fashion she says, like a dumb ass. “I would gladly go to jail to beat you Fucking Bloody.” Fucking Bitch!!!!

Another memory that came up recently was when I was younger I sold Jafra and the lady that was my manager was Colleen Wing. Well short story she got breast cancer, her husband left her because she lost her breast. So I knew she was dying and I went and bought a book “Embracing the Light” about death to give to her. I arrived and gave her the book, bought some Jafra. Then Colleen says “I have already read this.” and gave it to someone else in the room. I get it now she was dying. But that day it was a PUNCHINTHEGUT. So the other day as I am getting ready to study how to give Attunements I had a melt down and talked to Colleen about this. Colleen’s death was when I was in my 30’s. This grief has been with me for over 25 years. You never know how long your inner self will hold on to a memory.

Grief is so many things. It can make us physically ill. Bring on depression so deep you can’t even see the top or a purpose. It can metaphysically mess you up. Reiki continues to facilitate my own healing as I continue to help facilitate the healing with Reiki for others. Do not let others tell you that you have grieved long enough and so on. Everyone’s grief is different. Some parts may never heal. Write it OUT, Talk it OUT. Do not let grief consume you. Find a way to process and release.

Let Your Light Shine.

Soil

SOIL

By Carrie Ewing

Soil, dark and rich with the smell of Mother Earth’s power

I feel connected to you Mother Earth when I dig and plant and work the ground.

Many of the women in my family have worked your rich, texture Mother Earth.

We get nourishment from your substance in Oh so many subtle ways. 

I will work your powerful magic with my hands as long as I can, just as my mom, and her mom before her.

Soil connects me to my mother, and my grandmother, and I hope that one day Mother Earth, my grandchildren will feel your connection as I have with the past.

Soil, Mother Earth is your strength that holds me down, and grounds me so I can provide food for my soul.

For some of us, your richness is our last place of resting, or where we will be scattered to join the winds and the water.

But for now I will love and respect you. While taking care of my little part of your Wondrous Beauty.

And spread the knowledge of your richness and magic that you give to us all every day.

 

Namaste’ Mother Earth

 I wrote this shortly after my mom Crossed Over. I feel so connected to my mom, and her mother when I work in the SOIL.

 

I choose to advance my knowledge of Reiki

On May 5, 2006 I became a Reiki Master. So it has been 10 years now and I have decided it is time for me to learn to give attunement’s.  Reiki really helped me to keep it together the last days of my mom’s life. My mom received Reiki many times a day. I hardly slept those 4 days. For one thing I was worried that she would wake up in the middle of the night and try to get out of bed and fall. She could no longer move on her own, really she couldn’t even get her legs to do what she wanted them to do.

Of course my mom gave me permission to give her Reiki. Even though she believed in the LDS church, she believed in me to be able to connect to that Light and Love of the Universe, that which her religion calls GOD. And I do believe that she received comfort and was able to let go of this Earth. I am so Blessed that I could be so close to her at that time of her moments of passing.

I still cry when I think of those days too. I could not cry in front of my mom. I did not want her to worry. I wanted her to go peacefully with out worry. The one time that I did cry and I couldn’t help myself is the day I heard her say to the hospice worker. “Why is this happening to me? I am just laying here waiting to die.” OH FUCK PUNCHINTHEGUT.

Rhonda was so kind she walked out into the hall and hugged me and said “I know that is hard to hear.” I had to go into the kitchen to cry. I mean I balled my head of. Lost control.

I am still grateful even with all the pain that I could be a rock for her.

Let Your Light Shine.